Hidden Dreams II
by Jintsu
Summary: This is a onehour oneshot in response to DartzIRL's challenge on EvSoc forum. A glimpse into the mind of the Supreme Commander of NERV before Third Impact.


Hidden Dreams II

By Jintsu

Disclaimer:

All characters, names, and what ever else are property of Gainax, Movic, TV Tokyo, NAS, ADV Films, Wedge Link, OB Planning, Pastel, Studio Gallop, Frontline, Avex, TOKYOPOP, AIC, Artmic, Youmex, or whomever else I am forgetting to name. Just so they all know they are getting credit for the characters.

So the hoard of slavering lawyers can go lie down for a century or two. This was written for fun, not for profit. I'm only borrowing the characters for a little while. I promise I'll give them back!

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I wake from my nightmares, sweat-soaked and chilled. Leaving my rumpled and twisted bedding behind me on the wet bed, I stumble toward my desk. I grasp my glasses off of the blotter and side them into position on my weary face. Shoving the chair backwards on its casters with my bare foot, I pass it and go to the armoire against the wall. I open the right-hand door and reach into the familiar niche for the bottle of single-malt scotch. Grasping a rocks glass and the bottle of scotch, I return to my desk. Carefully setting the glass and the scotch down on the blotter of the desk, I then fall bonelessly into my office chair. Pulling the cork from the bottle of Laphroig, I splash two fingers of the scotch into the rocks glass. Leaning back into the chair, I pick –up the glass and swirl the smoky liquid around before taking a deep draught. I raise my left hand to rub my aching temples.

This will be the last night that I will have to endure this torment. Whatever may happen today, be it by my hand, or by my manipulations, this Kami-forsaken scenario will end before the sun sets. I can only hope that I will be forgiven for my dedication to Yui, and trying to bring my family back together.

I drain the glass of its contents, and then add another measure of the amber liquid. This is the only relief I have from the torment which has hag-ridden me since I made that fateful decision ten years ago. I can still hear his fearful entreaties to not leave him at that place. For me to turn my back on him and walk away was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. No…my memory mercilessly reminds me of the time that I sent him against the Twelfth. Leaving him in the hands of his mother; if she would awaken in time to save him. I knew that we would get the Unit back, but I was uncertain of the survival of my son.

My son. …How many times I fervently wished that I could have claimed him as such! To leave him in the care of others was like a stick in my craw. But to save him from the clutches of SEELE, I would have sold my soul to the Christian Devil.

Draining the smoky, earthy tasting alcohol, I again pour myself a portion. But this time, I fill the glass to the rim. Picking up the glass, I notice the tremors in my left hand. They mirror the trembling of my whole body. Kozo told me that the path I was taking was a one-way avenue; once started down this path, I would have no recourse but to go forward.

As I lean back in my own personal throne, my mind flits to thoughts of the First Child. This is more painful than thinking of my son. Rei should be my daughter, but I have perverted that outcome, also. I raised the first Rei as a daughter, but then sacrificed her to rid myself of the liability of the mentally-unstable Akagi. What a waste of time and effort that was. I not only lost Rei; my ability to empathize was destroyed from that point onward.

Looking at the rocks glass, I notice that it is empty again. I lean forward and refill my glass again.

I wish that I could turn back the hands of time. Go back to the time that Yui was recruited for Gehirn. Stop the madness at that point. But it would not have worked. She was so sure that she needed to be in Unit-01. I had always wished that I would have taken her place in the plug, that day. But she would not have had the ruthlessness to deal with SEELE and keep both of our children out of their grasp. At this late date, I guess that it all turned out for the best.

I am still disturbed by the way I treat my son. He has done all that I could have asked, and the part I must play calls for me to shun him. I do believe this is why my nightmares are so vivid; so painful and wretched. It is my mind paying me back for the treatment which I have bestowed upon my son. And as for the daughter…

I reach forward to the centre drawer of the desk and draw out the wide drawer. I snatch the pack of Doves and the lighter that are left here for this purpose. Lighting one of the cancer sticks, I inhale deeply, and think about my daughter.

Of all the mistakes that I made with my son, I do believe that I surpassed myself in dealing with my daughter.

Suppressing her feelings, shoving her into that hell-hole of an apartment, shut- away from all human contact.

I suck greedily on the cigarette, filling my lungs with the noxious smoke.

I have listened to the audio recordings, and viewed the visual recordings of my son and daughter's interactions. I will not interfere with them at this point. I have done all of the damage that I possibly could do up to now. I do believe I have lost my power over Rei. It does not matter any more. Let the chips fall as they may, I have done my best to foil SEELE's plan. If Rei does not obey me, so be it. I cannot, in good conscience, kill my only daughter because she has a difference of opinion from me.

It is 5:39 in the morning; the sun is just starting to peek over Mount Futago. My last day upon this planet has begun. Instrumentality or oblivion, it makes no difference now. I am so tired of the false persona that I must project.

Stubbing out the cigarette on the pristine blotter on the desk, I drain my glass for the last time. Placing the glass beside the crushed butt of my cigarette, I turn towards the window, which faces east.

Staring eastward with closed eyes, my hands softly clasped together in front of me, I do something that I have not done in almost a decade.

I say a prayer.

"Kami-sama, please care for and protect my children, for I no longer can. The time of reckoning is upon us, and I am divided in my purpose. I want to be reunited with my only love, but I do not want to sacrifice my children to accomplish this task. Please give me an option to keep me from defiling all I hold dear."

Unfortunately, I receive no answer. Hanging my head in sorrow, I recount my options under the scenario which I have implemented.

I have no options.

I have no other alternatives.

I AM DAMNED FOR ALL TIME.

So be it.

If I can get my Yui and my family back…

It will be worth it.

It is now 5:46AM, and I must ready myself for the new day. I must steel myself for the confrontation between myself and the rest of the world.

Reaching for the bottle of scotch, I see that it is now empty. So much for my artificial calm and self-assurance.

I wish I could spare you this pain, my son. I wish that I could speak to you like I am thinking about you now.

Please forgive me for what I am about to do.

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A/N

Why does Gendo have to be a bastard? Why can't he have feelings like the rest of us?

This is my take on his feelings before Third Impact.


End file.
